1998 Database Dozen
Special Feature
Revealing my sources of information.
A Database Named Bob
By Ian Shoales
I don't have a distributed environment, and I don't know what I'd do with one if I had. I do have the ability to search and retrieve text, but after I've written something, I pretty much leave it alone in its own special folder (labeled "Done Stuff") on an external hard drive, where it gathers dust (or "dust," if you want to be virtual about it).
For a long time it was my feeling--not backed up by data in any way--that many databases only exist to provide managers with plausible deniability should a strategy go awry: "Look, the numbers indicated that single women 25 to 35 would line up in droves to buy a floor wax that also whitens teeth. How was I to know? It was lemony, wasn't it?"
I also felt that many databases existed to tell people things they already knew: that most video games are bought by preteen boys, cigars are smoked by men who tend to wear red suspenders, and most women think men are idiots. Is research really needed to affirm these eternal verities?
I now see that I've been horribly wrong--well, maybe just shortsighted.
After all, I have my own personal databases that I access all the time. If I'm trying to recall very important trivia, for example, I'll call up my friend Bob and say, "Remember that movie that Pauline Kael did a book about? You know, it was directed by that fat guy from the wine commercials, and he starred in it, too? Well, what was the name of the thing he said when he died?"
That's all there is to it. Bob will tell me the name of the sled was "Rosebud," which will remain in my brain until I need to remember the names of the seven dwarves or who won the Super Bowl in 1978.
So without further ado, let's examine the efficacy of my personal databases.
1. My friend Bob.
Bob has an advantage in knowing the names and storylines of every movie and television show ever made. However, he gets cranky if you ask for information after midnight. Unfortunately, if you're trying to remember the name of Brigadoon or the drummer from Paul Revere and the Raiders, after midnight is the only time such questions even occur to you.
2. The stack of magazines in the corner.
The stack of magazines has the advantage of easy access. And if you wish to know what George Will thought about the baseball strike, read reviews of three-year-old video games, or find out what Keanu Reeves thinks about his newfound hunkdom after the success of Speed, the answer can be found here. Downside? It has a tendency to topple and can be a hazard to small household pets.
3. The set of encyclopedias I got for five bucks at a yard sale.
Though they're 50 years old, these books are a remarkable source of information about annual rates of rainfall in Tanganyika, where Herbert Hoover was born, or what the Good Neighbor Policy was.
Disadvantages? Volume D is missing, and it doesn't acknowledge the existence of Bangladesh or Newt Gingrich.
4. Pile of papers above my workstation.
This is a rich mother lode of random information. On the back of an envelope one may find a scribbled dental appointment. There may be a newspaper clipping about baboons running amok in Uganda (another nation not listed in Database 3, by the way). An important telephone number can be found on the torn-off back cover of a paperback book. There's also an idea for a column on a matchbook, a letter from an old girlfriend, and a check I've forgotten to cash.
The advantage to this information mini-warehouse is immediately apparent. It's all right there at my fingertips. I don't even need to get out of my chair.
But the data is truly random. Like subatomic particles, the items in this database only come into being when you see them.
And there are other disadvantages. The important telephone number, for instance, does not have a name attached to it. The idea for the column has been smudged and smeared by a mysterious stain (coffee? beer?), and the reason why I clipped the article about baboons running amok in Uganda has been mysteriously deleted from my mind.
5. Leonard Maltin's Movie and Video Guide.
This is a very useful information pool, especially when Bob is feeling cranky and not answering the phone.
6. The Internet.
I don't dip into these waters as much as I should, perhaps. But that's because every time I find some piece of information I could actually use, I get a message telling me I need to "spawn an external viewer" in order to read it.
Well, yeah, I could do that, I suppose. But if I could spawn an external viewer just like that, I wouldn't need Bob, now would I?
Ian Shoales is the originator of the term "guesstimate." He lives in San Francisco. You can reach him via email at mkessler@ix.netcom.com.
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