By the time you read this, Microsoft may have put all its troubles behind it, and moved on to bigger and better things. Or it could happen that the global economy has put Microsoft behind it, and the global economy has moved on to bigger and better things. It could even be that Microsoft has put bigger and better things behind it, and the global economy has moved on to trouble. Or trouble may have moved on to bigger and better things, and Microsoft may have put the global economy behind it. What do I know? What am I, a pundit?
All I know is, when litigation meets cyberspace, metaphors move at warp speed. Microsoft defenders said that asking Microsoft to remove its Web browser from its operating system is like asking Coca-Cola to remove its name from its cans. Microsoft opponents, on the other hand, claimed that Microsoft can be reasonably compared to a refrigerator maker dictating what a buyer can put in the freezer.
This kind of stuff just makes my poor little head spin. I wind up absent-mindedly putting cans of Coke in the freezer--I don't even drink soda! I wind up using Netscape out of spite, and I don't even like the Internet. (I mean, really, how many URLs can I not find? How many poorly reproduced photographs can I download? How much bad audio can I tolerate? How much semiliterate text can I read?) I wind up having an opinion about the global economy, and I can't even balance my checkbook.
I'm not even sure what issues I'm supposed to think about. Am I supposed to hate Microsoft because it rules the marketplace or love it because it rules the marketplace? Am I supposed to hate the marketplace because it's dominated by Microsoft, or love the marketplace because Microsoft conquered it?
In addition, remember it's the federal government (goaded by Microsoft competitors) going after Microsoft. Aren't I supposed to hate the federal government more than anything, even more than a heartless corporation who ruined its word processing software by throwing in a bunch of redundant toolbars that wretched scribes like me neither requested nor desired?
Sorry. I'll try to control myself.
The main issue seems to be about capitalism's sacred golden calf: "choice." Choice works two ways. The first way choice works, as near as I can follow it, is that VHS beats out Beta, Microsoft beats out Mac, CDs beat out LPs, cable beats out network, Disney takes over the world, and we all have to wear mouse ears when we leave the house, or face heavy fines. That's the social Darwinist version of capitalism. Dog eats dog until only one dog is left.
The second way choice works is that Pepsi battles with Coke, American automakers battle Japanese automakers, oil companies battle other oil companies, and healthy competition leads to us all wearing our choice of mouse ears, cat ears, or dog ears when we leave the house, or face heavy fines. That's the libertarian version of capitalism. Dog never really eats dog. Dogs just nip at each other's hindquarters, and the rest of us take bets on the outcome--I mean, play the market. (While wearing the ears, of course.)
But how does choice help us? Remember when the phone company was forced to dismantle? Did that really reduce our phone bills? And the deregulation of airlines--how has that improved air travel exactly? It's nice to have Federal Express and United Parcel Service, but don't they make it kind of hard to hate the Post Office any more?
Here in California, energy has been deregulated. (That seems to me like a total violation of the principles of quantum physics, but I'm not California, am I?) This means that we can choose from dozens of electricity and gas brokers and be rewarded with dollars saved per month, along with a complicated and incomprehensible power bill that wretched scribes like me neither requested nor desired.
Again, I apologize. I'll take a pill and try to calm down.
David Long, manager of electric restructuring at the California Public Utilities Commission, says, "The idea is that by itemizing all the charges, customers can see how much they are paying for each element of energy generation and distribution. That information, in turn, should enable customers to compare rates among different companies."
"Compare rates." Right. Like I don't have enough to do. And how much am I saving? Five dollars a month?
I already have to look forward to choosing among DVD systems, high-definition television sets, and new game systems. And I suppose I'll have to deal with the coming battle between voice recognition technology and face recognition technology. When I go to my ATM, what will happen if I have a cold or if I decide to get a facelift?
I guess I'll have to get my mouse ears and wear them at all times. No matter how things shake out, everything will recognize that.
Ian Shoales likes choice when it comes to music, books, movies, magazines, friends,
lovers, amusement parks, and places to live. Everything else is just toothpaste to him. He lives
in San Francisco. You can reach him at mkessler@ix.netcom.com.